In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I have never eaten chocolate in the bathroom after yelling at the kids. I have standards and common decency. I will not eat the delicacy which is chocolate in the same place that rear-ends are wiped.
I eat my chocolate in the closet.
Let’s be honest. If you’re going to eat chocolate, you need a place where you will not be interrupted by tiny people asking questions that could easily wait 5 minutes. The bathroom is not this place. The closet is — or even better, the laundry room. Because we all know that children will not enter a room where they anticipate being asked to do a chore. So, I choose to have my mommy moments on the floor of my closet, next to the laundry basket.
I would like to tell you that I have only hidden in the closet after yelling at my kids one time, but that would also not be full disclosure. I don’t know how many times this scenario has played out, but I do know that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Well, chocolate is bad for you. And yelling at the kids is bad for the kids and you. But, the hiding in the closet part is actually a good thing. It’s like a mommy time-out. It’s a moment to calm down and reevaluate the situation. And the chocolate? Well, that’s just because I have an addiction to all things chocolate (Except the dark kind. That’s gross).
There are days when everyone has hit their limit of politeness, agreeability, and general decency to other human beings. There are days when my children would rather throw a temper-tantrum than put on pants. There are days when everything starts to unravel, and I have lost all control before 9:30 am.
On these days I do things I did not plan to do. I yell. I yell while I’m thinking in my head “Don’t yell. Calm down. Set an example.” But, I still yell. This is when I have a choice. I can continue with the tirade and feel justified in my anger, or I can take a mommy time-out.
The last time this scenario played out was because of cherry Kool-aid… my nemesis. The day was working out to plan. The house was all clean for the 12 children and their parents to arrive at our book club. My youngest, 8-year-old’s old at the time, had just finished making an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid. She was very sweetly putting it in the refrigerator when she was distracted and the pitcher hit the floor. The bottom smashed open and bright red sticky liquid flew all over the kitchen. Up the cabinets. Across the floor. Along the side of the trash can and down the refrigerator.
It. Was. Everywhere.
I honestly was at a loss on how to clean it all up. After the initial shock, I began to yell. When the mop only made the situation worse, I yelled some more. When the paper towels didn’t make a dent in the flood of Kool-Aid, I yelled again. When I was scrubbing the floor with towels and wet rags, the rant continued. Finally, the mess was cleaned and I looked around. This small person looked at me with swollen red eyes and said: “I’m sorry, Momma.”
What had I done?
Did I really just act like an ogre and yell at an 8-year-old for spilling Kool-Aid? Did I really just put my need to impress people with my clean house before my daughter’s emotional well-being? How did I let this happen? And, how on earth was I going to mend my daughter’s broken heart?
I couldn’t think straight. I looked at my children (yes, by this time I had yelled at all 3 of the children) and told them I needed a moment.
I left the room.
I went to my closet and sat down and had a good cry. I was ashamed. I had crushed my daughter with words that I couldn’t erase. There was no way to make this better. I couldn’t take back the last ten minutes. I couldn’t swallow back the ugliness. I had to own it. I had to admit that I had put silly expectations of perfection on, not only myself, but now my children.
My priorities had gotten screwed up.
And I realized that I needed to reevaluate what was most important to me. I needed to set my priorities straight and then I needed to start mending fences. I started by silently praying for strength. It’s not easy to tell someone you are sorry. It’s especially not easy when you know how bad you hurt that person. It’s the hardest when that person is someone who looks up to you and loves you. And, I realized that I needed more strength than I had at that moment. So I prayed. And, then I stood up, wiped the tears and chocolate away, and walked out of the closet back into the world of mom.
I sat down with that cherub-faced baby girl, and I explained to her that I was wrong. I was terribly sorry for the way I acted, and I asked her if she would forgive me. And you know what she said? “It’s okay, Mommy.”
But, it wasn’t okay.
It wasn’t okay that I had crushed her happiness. It wasn’t okay that I had made her question her self-worth. It wasn’t okay that I had made her fear her own mother. And, I told her just that. I told her that I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t make mistakes. But, I could promise that when I did, I would always try to tell her I was sorry and make it right.
On this day I went to the closet and ate chocolate after I yelled at the kids, but it wasn’t soon enough. I should have sensed the frustration building, and I should have taken that mommy moment earlier. If I had given myself a time-out just 10 minutes earlier, I would have saved my daughter from having her heart crushed.
If only.
Some days I rock this mom gig. And some days, I don’t come close. But, each day I keep trying and with a little prayer and a lot of chocolate I might just make it.
This post is a part of the iHomeschool Network Homeschool Mom Guilt Bingo. Click on the Bingo Card below to read other Mom Confessions and to enter a giveaway from iHomeschool Network bloggers.
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Hi, I’m Dachelle. I’m a homeschooling mom of 3 in the South. I love chocolate and have been known to hide it from my children. I can often be found reading a good book (or even sometimes just an okay book) and enjoying a jar of Nutella — don’t judge. I blog, here, at HideTheChocolate.com when I’m not creating book clubs and making lists…lots and lots of lists (it’s an addiction). Learn more…
I also do not eat in my bathroom. Have I slumped down against the wall of my bedroom, between the bed and the wall, and eaten more than one (more than three?) spoonfuls of Nutella? yes. Yes I have.
Great post Dachelle!
Haha! Bedrooms are good, too. In fact, Nutella is good anywhere!
I do eat in the bathroom, sitting crumpled up in a ball by the tub. I eat the darkest chocolate I can find (HA!) and I cry buckets. I too would have lost it on the sticky red stuff. I have lost it over my own shoe that I put there and then proceeded to trip over. Fun stuff this imperfect mom thing huh? I love that you said sorry, you owned up and let them know. <3
I will send you all my dark chocolate!! I like that “imperfect mom”. That is so “perfectly” worded.
Oh I often wish that I had taken a time out just a few minutes sooner than I did!
It’s so hard to stop and walk away.
I am sending you the biggest virtual hug ever! Those mommy moments are the worst:( The only thing that gets me through is prayer & reminding myself that I am not perfect. I am constantly reminding my boys that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, & it’s what we do to learn & try to be a better person. It’s just so hard to remind ourselves of it before those mommy moments!!
Thanks, girl!! I can use all the prayers I can get.
“Except the dark kind. That’s gross.”
That may not have spoken to my heart as much as the rest of the post, but it did make me laugh!
Haha! To each his own when it comes to chocolate!
I can SO relate to this. With two very little ones, some days it’s hard to keep my cool. Some days I feel like I want to quit. I like the thought of taking a mommy time out before I get into crazy mom mode. I think I need to find my “Australia!”
Haha!! Let’s move to Australia!!
I remember the day that my dad said that he was wrong for becoming angry at me for something I had done, and he asked my forgiveness. That was a day that I had a higher respect for my dad because he had humbled himself to do the right thing. It is always right to ask forgiveness when we accidentally fail people, but it’s also wonderful to know that we will always be accepted by God. We don’t have to be hard on ourselves to expect perfection from ourselves.
Thanks, Susan. This brought tears to my eyes. I hope my children remember the apology more than they remember the yelling.
My kids are grown now (30, 20. and 18) I can’t even count the times I had to go to my room and put myself in timeout lol. And I have had to apologize more than once for completely losing it. It is hard being a Mom but we do the best that we can. Thanks for sharing this at the LMM link up! Hope to see you at the next link up.
Connie
It is hard being a mom…much harder than I ever thought it would be.
Oh yes the mommy time outs. My laundry room (I use rhe term “room” loosely as it is more like a closet) is often where I go to sit and breathe. Sometimes I walk out of the house amd escape to the barn to walk up and down the feed ally for a bit too (with the baby but ditching the 3 olders for a bit).
As for the bathroom: my 3 year old pretends he can fit through the cat door and giggles like crazy as he sticks his legs through it. I’m almost never alone or undisturbed.
I always say it is a good thing my kids are so amazing otherwise it would be a lot easier to stay mad at them. (Still working on the not getting mad in the first place. They are just kids after all and I know I was no better at their age.)
Ah, the walk to the barn sounds so nice. Yes, mommy time-outs keep us sane and are healthy for the whole family.
I love your honesty! You are not alone! We all need to pray more and keep in the Word. It is so hard to please people and forget what really matters.. I was raised this way and it’s so hard to go against the grain.
Thank you! And I certainly need to pray and study more.