Today I woke up with a sense of urgency. There were bills to pay, laundry to fold, articles to write, a book club to plan and homeschool schedules to make out. We’re leaving on a trip to Texas in 4 days and I have simply a zillion things to do…and no, I’m not exaggerating. I’ve been working non-stop the last two weeks to get everything that must be done in the next two months done in this tiny time window. But it all came to a crashing halt this morning and honestly, I can barely talk about it.
It all started with a FaceBook message from a friend. The status: “Are you dying????” My initial reaction was yes, I’m swamped. Then I realized she might not be referring to my grueling schedule. She may, in fact, be referring to the article she had shared. The article that in succinct horrifying detail laid out the worst plan in the 21st century: a plan that can only be rivaled by the New Coke debacle of the 20th century. And I, for one, have simply no ability to deal with it.
What is this plan? Well, in case you are living under a rock, the plan is to discontinue the cool refreshing caffeine jolt that breaks me from my stressed weary existence and tosses me (lovingly) back into the world of crazed homeschool mom with a few too many jobs. Yes, people, I am referring to the Coca-Cola Company discontinuing Coke Zero.
I can’t imagine what they are thinking? Do I not drink at least one Sonic Route 44 Coke Zero per day? Is my pantry not full of Coke Zero 2 liters? Am I not keeping up my end of the bargain? Why Coca-Cola would you do this? I have been a loyal supporter even back in the old days – back when you disgraced us with “New Coke.” (I still can’t say it without disdain.) I have been an avid “Coke in the Bottle” fan. I don’t even consider Pepsi a true soft drink. Why would you desert me like this?
And please don’t tell me you are giving me something better like “Coke Zero Sugar.” I mean, what is that? Is that supposed to be clearer for those of us who spent months trying to figure out what Coke Zero stood for? Now we know? It’s No Sugar? Really!
Please don’t treat us as if we are commonplace occasional soft drink users. We are the 40 something moms who lived on Coca-Cola until we had kids and our metabolism gave up on us. We are the generations of die hard Coke users who don’t want to admit that we are no longer young enough to drink 44 oz of pure liquid sugar. We’re the too cool generation for Diet Coke (our mother’s drink) and need a substitute. A substitute that tastes almost like Coke and has a really cool sleek black design. Don’t patronize us by telling us you are creating a new and better drink. We don’t want new and better and, honestly, we don’t trust you (see previous discussion of New Coke).
We know you’re all about the hype of selling to the teen drinker. But, who do you think is giving all those teens soda money? IT’S US!! The Coke Zero drinkers! We are supplying a whole new generation with cavity producing bottles of syrup laced with caffeine. We’re getting them addicted to the Coca-Cola Company, so when THEY are no longer able to ingest sugar they will also turn to Coke Zero. The least you could do was leave us our Coke that isn’t really Coke but tastes a heck of a lot better than Diet Coke.
I tried to delay the inevitable. I sent out an emergency text to the better half begging for him to go into military commando mode and search out all the Coke Zero in the county. He not-so-sweetly declined. (Stinking Mountain Dew lover!) Now I am relegated to piling the kids into the car and taking them on a three county-wide mission to buy every Coke Zero in the land. Maybe I can turn it into a scavenger hunt. Can I somehow count it as school? But, I digress.
Stop the insanity Coca-Cola. I can’t function. What will counter balance my jar of Nutella? Now I realize I will now be relegated to not only hiding chocolate but also Coke Zero. Surely they won’t notice it behind the Nutritional Yeast Flakes.
And, I may have just grounded my children from Coke Zero for life.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you click them, well you obviously won’t be supporting my Coke Zero addiction, but hopefully, they won’t discontinue Nutella anytime soon. For more, see the Disclosure Page while I weep in the closet with my Route 44.